


Bliss in ignorance, and other myths

by toue



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, Self-Doubt, Spoilers, general ensemble cast - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 07:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12428169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toue/pseuds/toue
Summary: “I think I’ve forgotten… something.”“I’m worried that I’m going to lose more of myself.”“I’m terrified that something horrible is happening to me.”Lucretia lets herself forget, as well.





	Bliss in ignorance, and other myths

**Author's Note:**

> i'm putting a warning here for a brief mention of your typical angus backstory, namely parental neglect.   
> more notes at the end!

_Name: Lucretia “The Director”_

_Occupation: Director of the Bureau of Balance_

_Goal: To find the Grand Relics_

_Record everything in this journal. If this one gets filled, create another one._

_Don’t let yourself forget._

Lucretia tucked the journal beneath her arm as she made her way to the cafeteria. She wasn’t truly hungry, but according to her writings she hadn’t eaten at all that day. She decided it couldn’t hurt to take a break to grab a late lunch.

She saw Killian and Carey out on the quad. The women were giggling over something, and Lucretia smiled fondly at the sight. Killian looked to be blushing.

Lucretia opened her journal, pausing on the walkway to jot down what she’d observed.

She was roused from her writings as Carey called out to her.

“Yo, Boss! Take a break for once and come hang with us!” Carey said. “I’m sure whatever you’re scribbling about can wait!”

“Ah, well,” Lucretia gnawed at her lower lip. “One moment.” She just needed to finish the paragraph…

And then, the journal had disappeared from her arms.

“Rogue powers, activate!” Carey cried, now standing a few feet away from her, whooping as she held up Lucretia’s journal. Killian was laughing.

Lucretia, however, was trying to calm a racing heart. Her breath was coming out quickly, now, as she attempted to fight down a panic attack. If Carey were to lose that journal, or misplace it—

“ _Please_ ,” Lucretia begged. “Please give it back, please, please…” Lucretia was fully hyperventilating now, and she dropped her pen to wrap her arms across her abdomen, doubling over as the world began to spin.

“Whoa, Boss, hey,” Killian said, and she sounded as if she’d moved closer.

“Please, I can’t forget…” Lucretia wheezed, and in the next moment her journal was being pressed to her chest by a fervent and intensely apologetic Carey.

Once Lucretia had calmed herself, they talked.

“I’m so sorry. I was just ribbing on you, y’know,” Carey said. “But that’s not an excuse. I went too far.”

“It’s alright, Carey,” Lucretia said. “I’m sorry you had to see me in such an unprofessional state.”

Killian and Carey exchanged a look.

“What’s in that thing, anyway?” Killian asked, gesturing to Lucretia’s journal. “No need to answer if it’s, uh, personal.”

Lucretia glanced down at it.

“Everything,” she said simply.

 

_I know that there’s something wrong with my head._

_I’m far from happy to admit such a thing, especially given the fact that it could be damning to this entire operation. But it’s the truth._

_My one strength has always been my mind. Now I’m realizing that somewhere along the way I’ve lost that._

_There’s no concrete proof of this, of course. This is based on instinct and nothing more._

_And yet I’m positive that, at least in this respect, I’m right._

_My judgements don’t feel as concise as I believe they once did. There’s a stagger in my thought processes, my brain struggling to keep up the way it used to._

_But the worst of it is the memory problems. Again, I don’t know_ what _I’ve forgotten, but I suspect that countless things have slipped through the cracks. My world feels significantly different these days, though I can’t explain how or why. I feel different, too._

_I’m afraid of confiding in anybody about this development. Not only because it could call into question my position of authority at the Bureau, but because I’d have no idea how to explain it._

_“I think I’ve forgotten… something.”_

_“I’m worried that I’m going to lose more of myself.”_

_“I’m terrified that something horrible is happening to me.”_

_It sounds absurd and I know it._

_But I can’t stop doubting myself._

_It may be due to the rapid aging I was forced to undergo in Wonderland. Or it may be related to the trauma I experienced there._

_Perhaps this is just long-overdue karma, the gods punishing me for playing at being one of them._

_I’m scared. It hurts to even exist these days, simply due to the terror and dread festering within me._

_But writing things down helps. This way I have a fail-safe. If I forget, I can always reference this journal._

When Killian brought in the three adventurers- Taako, Magnus, and Merle, they called themselves- Lucretia knew that she wanted to keep them around. Whether it was instinct or the fates guiding her hand, she accepted them into the Bureau and assigned them positions as Reclaimers.

The three were immature, certainly, though she did find herself endeared to their ridiculous antics. On top of that, they were loud and oftentimes unprofessional.

And yet they returned in one piece with the Oculus. They’d found and secured two relics, a task that none other had managed thus far. Lucretia had been set on trusting them regardless, but their success certainly eased any doubts she may have had regarding their competency.

Oddly enough, the Reclaimers themselves would often label themselves as complete idiots. Lucretia was certain this was false, even given how little she knew of them, but they were insistent in their claims. Taako in particular seemed to possess far more wit and intellect than he ever gave himself credit for. She wondered if he was intentionally downplaying his talents or if he truly believed himself to be a fool.

She recorded these observations religiously in her journal, hoping that the act of putting her thoughts to paper would help her puzzle her new recruits out. Alas, she only ever seemed to gather more questions and more headaches.

The other mystery concerned Robbie- _Pringles_ , as the Reclaimers had dubbed him. She’d caught him wandering through her private quarters one evening, looking haunted.

 

_I’ll record this puzzling interaction as best as I can remember it in this journal._

_I discovered Robbie when the alarms in my office alerted me to an intruder. I found him in the long hallway leading to the storage room._

_“I truly hope you have a good explanation for this, Robbie,” I said, reluctantly leveling my staff at him. “There’s nothing of any true value in these chambers, so if your goals are to make yourself some easy gold, you’ll be disappointed.”_

_I noticed then that Robbie was carrying himself differently. The man normally walked with a slouch and half-lidded eyes, but today Robbie stood upright and looked wide awake. I at first wrote this off, figuring that he was under the influence of some odd potion. You never really know, with Robbie._

_But my suspicions grew when he spoke with an unfamiliar, echoed voice._

_“Don’t play coy with me, Lucretia,” Robbie spoke. “We both know why I’m here.”_

_My heart stopped at the use of my first name. You must understand— at the Bureau, only the Millers have ever known me as anything but ‘The Director.’_

_This was not Robbie._

_“How do you know my name?” I spoke, unable to keep the fear from my voice. “Do I know you? Show yourself!”_

_“What?” the voice spoke, discordant and crackling a bit, like dancing flames. “Lucretia, don’t you remember?”_

_I’m embarrassed to admit that at this point, I began to panic. I’m not proud of my actions from here on out._

_“Remember what?” I spoke, voice rising, chest heaving with unsteady breaths. “What have I forgotten? Please, what have I forgotten?” I was pleading, desperate to know whatever the being possessing Robbie did._

_And then the air seemed to explode in red sparks. I quickly cast a shield with my staff, cowering as the voice screamed and Robbie collapsed into a heap on the floor._

_Robbie was disoriented when he came to. I certainly wasn’t thrilled to have to lock him away, but there was no way around it. It’s best that he’s kept under a watchful eye. I’ll ascertain that he’s at least treated with respect._

The Reclaimers returned with the Gaia Sash next. Another success, though not one without its scares.

Lucretia gave the three a stern warning about the Red Robes. She waited until they looked appropriately alarmed before backing off a bit.

“I’m sorry, but I…” Lucretia trailed off as something occurred to her. Where had _she_ learned about the Red Robes? Who had told her to fear them?

Lucretia turned away from the Reclaimers, pushing aside documents on her desk until she found her journal, opening it and leaning over to write these questions out feverishly.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been writing before she heard somebody clearing their throat. She looked up to see that the Reclaimers were still there.

“Do you want us to leave, or…?” Magnus trailed off. “It’s cool, y’know, if you have stuff to do.”

Lucretia paused.

“Just give me one moment and I’ll be back with you,” Lucretia murmured, resuming her writing. “I’m sorry; I had a thought, and I didn’t want to lose it.”

“Oh, that’s okay!” Magnus said. “Merle forgets things a lot too. It’s probably an age thing.”

“Hey!” Merle cried, indignant.

Lucretia felt she should probably be insulted by this comment, but she wasn’t. She knew Magnus meant well. She smiled fondly and eyed her writings before shutting the journal and returning her attention to her guests.

“You’re hardly one to talk, Mags,” Taako was scoffing. “Would it kill ya to remember to put the toilet seat down?”

Magnus flinched, suddenly sheepish, while Merle chortled.

“My condolences, Taako,” Lucretia said. “What a heinous act on Magnus’ part.”

“I’ll say!” Taako huffed. “I may be lax with some things around our dorm, but I _refuse_ to compromise on this matter. Late night _rendezvous_ sound super sexy until they’re between your ass and cold toilet water at 3:00am.”

“Fair,” Magnus said, ducking his head. “That’s my bad.”

“Well, speaking of living arrangements,” Lucretia said, a small smile still on her lips, “In recognition of all you’ve done for the Bureau thus far, I’ve decided to have you all reassigned to lodging more deserving of your accomplishments…”

 

_Angus McDonald is brilliant, and earnest in a way that only comes with youth. It’s likely irresponsible of me to employ a literal child, but there’s none other like Angus in Faerun. I don’t know much of Angus’ family, but I do know enough to understand that they were negligent beyond belief._

_“Don’t worry, Ma’am!” Angus spoke, with his usual smile. “I really won’t be missed planet-side, if that’s what you’re worried about! They probably won’t even realize I’m gone!”_

_Angus McDonald, a literal child, who won’t be missed by friends nor family._

_I tell myself he’ll be safer here, and happier, but perhaps I’m only attempting to justify my actions._

_He’s observant, of course. I should have known he would be. And yet I still was startled when he brought up my journal and asked what I was writing._

_“Reminders, mostly,” I said. It was true._

_And Angus nodded, beaming._

_“It’s good to be organized!” he said. “Let me know if you need me to remember anything for you, though, Ma’am! Two heads are always better than one!”_

_May the gods protect this sickeningly precious child._

 

The Reclaimers next brought back the Philosopher’s Stone, followed by the Temporal Chalice. Lucretia was thrilled with these successes and deeply proud of Taako, Magnus, and Merle.

Lucretia never actually destroyed the relics. It had always been her self-assigned protocol to collect them for herself. She couldn’t quite recall why she needed to do such a thing, but she didn’t feel too troubled by the matter. She felt anxious about many things, but this was not one of them. The relics would be safe with her. What did it matter if she kept them?

She didn’t dwell on it much, as her brain would sometimes begin to feel foggy when she did. She attributed this to undue guilt and pushed the feelings aside.

She was doing this to save them, after all.

(She wasn’t sure what that meant.)

 

_Magnus died in Wonderland._

_They’ve just returned and I hope to soon chronicle what happened in more detail but— gods, Magnus_ died _. We’ve lost Reclaimers before, yes. But no loss before this has felt quite so profound._

_Taako and Merle seem distracted, and I don’t blame them. At the very least we’ve now recovered every relic. I always forget that I’m the only one who knows the true nature of my staff._

_Where I at least feel some measure of relief now, the rest of the Bureau is only mourning._

_I don’t mean to sound cold. I’m truly upset about Magnus._

_But at the same time— this is what we’ve been planning for, isn’t it?_

_Everything is in its proper place._

_I’ll allow myself to mourn once all is finished._

_Though admittedly I’m not certain what “finishing” this entails._

It was an inopportune time for a break-in, to say the least.

A breach in her private quarters, however, could not be ignored; Lucretia had little choice but to confront the intruders. She brought two guards along as a precaution, and Davenport insisted on accompanying her, in his abstract way.

She couldn’t fully recall what lay in the room beyond this long hallway, but she had a feeling it was _important_.

She stepped inside and saw Angus, Taako, Merle, and— a stranger. Who was that? How did he get onto the base?

Taako and Merle looked pained, clutching their heads and _shaking._ Even the stranger was wincing, though he seemed to be retaining his composure a bit more. Angus was the only one who appeared unaffected, though he did look concerned for the others.

Behind them was—

                 Behind them—

                                Behind them was—

             There was—

                                                           _Behind them—_

Lucretia realized she’d begun to hyperventilate; she quickly ripped her eyes away from what she couldn’t see or process.

“What’s going on?” she spoke, her voice shaking.

“Hold on,” Merle wheezed. “Doesn’t _she_ remember?”

“I… she doesn’t, I don’t think,” the stranger said. “I don’t know why, but I think—”

There was more to that sentence, Lucretia knew. But it was lost to static.

And that meant something, she knew it did.

Her head hurt. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

“What am I forgetting?” Lucretia cried, doubled over. “Please, what am I _forgetting_?”

A flask was pressed into her shaking hand.

_Drink_ , a voice told her, and she did, desperate.

She screamed as it came back to her.

 

When she’d taken Fischer’s child, her original plan had been to inoculate herself with its ichor _before_ feeding her old logs to it.

But as the glass of ichor was pressed to her lips, in a moment of weakness, she stopped herself.

 

It just sounded so _peaceful_ , to be able to forget.

**Author's Note:**

> what up i'm emerson i'm 22 and i never fuckin learned how to write a fic that isn't from lucretia's pov
> 
> anyway... thanks so much for the overwhelming response on the last fic i posted!! i really appreciated all the kudos and kind comments. here's another fic, then, since you've all given me a big head about my writing.
> 
> once again, i happily accept all forms of positive reinforcement for my writing, whether they're in the form of kudos, comments, or bouquets delivered to my doorstep.


End file.
